Silly Funny Status Updates For Facebook And Twitter

Cool, silly and funny status updates for Facebook and Twitter... So you can update your status LIKE A BOSS!

• Today is the first day of the rest of your life...And if that doesn't work out for you, tomorrow is the first day of the rest of your life...
• Why bother reading books? We have Eminem he can read a whole story in 4 minutes.
• Wife: I'm pregnant, what do you want it to be? Husband: A joke.
• A fact of life: After Monday and Tuesday even the calender says W T F.
• Everyone is normal until you add them as your Facebook friend.
• Everyone is normal until you find them on Twitter.
• Relationship Status: COMING SOON
• Back in 5 minutes (If not, read this status again).
• LIKE if you hate when someone tags you in a horrible picture.
• Phew! Thank you, warning label. I was actually considering using my toaster in the shower this morning.
• Don't tell me the sky's the limit when there are footprints on the moon.
• Nothing is illegal...Until you get caught.
• Friends are like boobs... Some are real some are fake.
• Birthdays are good for your health. Studies show those who have more Birthdays live longer.
• Food is an important part of a balanced diet.
• I dance like a car dealerships inflatable tube man.
• I forgot to work out today. That's 5 years in a row!
• I hate it when I'm singing a song and the artist gets the words wrong.
• That moment when you try talking to someone you're hot for and you say GFBLQRINABAH instead of "I'm good thanks!"
• You look like I need a drink.
• I wasn't drunk, I was just testing if the plant was as soft as my bed.
• That awkward moment when you have a crush on the most inconvenient person possible.
• I've got a dig bick. You read that wrong. The awkward when you read that wrong too and said 'Moment' when it wasn't there.
• I put the 'Me' in 'Someone' and things get awkward.
• Stop calling yourself hot, the only thing you turn on is the microwave!
• That moment when someone you met for 3 seconds sends you a Facebook friend request.
• I tried being normal once. Most boring hour of my life.
• You didn't notice that that I used a word twice in this sentence.

• That moment when the random person you just met asks for your full name, and you know it's because they want to stalk you on Facebook.
• The hardest things our kids will do in 20-30 years is finding a username which isn't already taken.
• I press all the "Try Me" buttons on toys and then walk away LIKE A BOSS.
• Me without you is like Facebook with no friends, YouTube with no videos, and Google with no results.
• Girls are beautiful, not hot. They are not a temperature.
• Don't think too much or you could create a problem that wasn't even there.
• Telling me you're going to unfollow me is like announcing you're leaving a party you weren't even invited to.
• My mum's so old fashioned she thinks LOL = Lots of love. She sent me an SMS saying just to let you know you're Pa's in hospital LOL.
• I'm following you on Twitter because my mum always told me to follow my dreams.
• Tired? There's a nap for that.
• Every time I put my phone on silent it decides to play 'Hide and seek'.
• You put the 'Pro' in 'Procrastination'.
• I don't have exs, I have Ys. Y the hell did I do that?
• I have decided to tell my pets they're adopted.
• If swimming is an exercise explain whales to me.
• If someone says "I love you", and you don't feel the same way, just say "I love YouTube" really fast.
• When someone says you are what you eat, and you're eating the chickens bum.
• If you have a problem with me write it on a piece of paper, put it in an envelope and shove it up your big behind.
• If you're talking behind my back, you're in a really good position to kiss my butt.
• This dog, is dog, a dog, good dog, way dog, to dog, keep dog, an dog, idiot dog, busy dog, for dog, 30 dog, seconds dog! Now read without the word dog
• Were you dropped as a baby?" "Yeah into a pool of sexy!"
• Lucky for you mirrors can't laugh out loud.
• Well, I didn't know I logged into sookbook today.
• Sitting in class wondering who would die if one of the fans fell down.
• I'm pretty sure you're not a car, get an actual photo for your profile.
• May your life someday be as good as you make it out to be on Facebook.
• Only 10-20% of the population can wiggle their ears and raise one eyebrow.
• We should stop teaching kids to sing the alphabet. It took me 5 years to realize that "elemeno" wasn't a letter.
• A message in the toilet: Treat me well, keep me clean, I will not tell anyone what I have seen.
• I grew up being told not to write on the walls. Felt like such a badass when I first joined Facebook.
• My wallet is like an Onion, when I open it. It makes me cry.

Author: StricktlyDating

Pictures: Authors own.