Casual Relationship - How Do I Tell Him I Want More?
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"Help! I'm too afraid to tell him I'm falling for him because I don't want to lose him!"
I've been in this situation before. A lusty casual relationship, where he'd call and come and spend the night about every second week, or I'd stay over at his place. Our nights of passion were always planned to start after dinner time as we never went out on proper dates and were rarely out in public together. I didn't see him much in the daylight. This is because we were just 'lovers'. We had an 'open relationship' - or you could call it 'friends with benefits' - because, he - not me, was involved in other ongoing casual relationships.
It suited me just fine for a while, because I'd come out of a long term relationship with a man who was seriously and constantly trying to pressure me into getting married to him. I was only 20 and didn't feel ready. When our relationship ended I just wanted something casual, and to have some fun, I wasn't ready to get serious again with anyone. I was relieved to be single, and actually happy to find someone sexy who didn't want a serious relationship. No pressure, no strings attached, his company was like a delicious treat that I had in my life. Our affair lasted several years.
We had long conversations at home over candle-light, snuggling together on the couch. We sat up late laughing. We went skinny dipping. We had many nights of passion and pleasure. But I started to want and need more. Over time I began to see him as my 'boyfriend' although he never took me out on a 'proper' date and he was never there on special occasions like Christmas Day or at my Birthday party. I started to feel disappointed about these things, and I didn't know how to approach him about it. So I just didn't say anything. I couldn't find the courage to tell him I'd fallen in love with him. I hoped one day he would tell me.
But something else happened. Another girl he was dating was was braver than me. She told him how she felt about him and that she was no longer willing to continue a casual relationship with him. She said she was not willing to 'share' him and she wanted a more serious relationship with him. He respected that. He wanted someone to love him. He also wanted to keep seeing her so he ended his relationship with me in order to do so. I had never told him how much I loved him. He truly didn't know about all the feelings I'd kept secret. He didn't know he broke my heart. He thought we were just 'casual'.
So from my experience, my advice to anyone in this situation would be to find a way to tell him how you really feel - Let him know, no matter how scary it might seem. And try to say it directly to him, not via text message or email, let him you really mean it. You have a right to your feelings and much more to lose if you don't tell him, but if you've kept your feelings hidden from him up until now also bear in mind that it could come as a shock to him, since your relationship has only been casual up to now. So, after you've told him try to give him some time and space to think about what you've said so he can make up his own mind about it.
Another way to go about it would be to say something subtle to him about how you feel you're developing stronger feelings for him than what you originally had, and just see what his reaction is, at the least it might get you talking about where you really stand with each other.
I've learned you lose more when you never tell the person you love how you feel, so you really need to find a way to overcome your fear of communicating your feelings to him.
Best wishes,
StricktlyDating
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Yes I agree, if you're not asking for commitment then you're not likely to get it. I learned it the hard way those years ago! Thanks for your comment ssaul.
Gosh you did learn the hard way but surely if it was meant to be he would have perhaps been the first to tell you of his deep feelings for you. I agree you should tell a person about your feelings, but strange he kept you so hidden. If he had committed do you really think you would always be able to trust him? I am not sure, I think you would be better finding someone else who always wants to show you to the world. A brilliant hub - really got me thinking.
Nice hub I really enjoyed the read.
But let me just say as a guy & a fellow human being you, or I, don't come second place for any other human being on this planet no matter how big they are lol.
What you want out of this world you got to take before someone else grabs it.
So make sure you only go for the best Stricktly!
How you honestly think about you as a person deep inside & what you can really achieve as this person, this person let me just remind you, who could be great & amazing, will either aid you, or quite the opposite, even prevent you, from getting what you want out of this world. Just by thinking what you are capable of trying or doing & going for it. Or not!
No person should fear the thought of talking their emotions to somebody else. When you know it matters to you go for it. Especially from the emotions of joy love or anger. Don't be concerned what others will think of you just because you express your own emotions into words & actions.
Your dying to speak your mind but you just don't know how to put the words to this person at times! & these are your deepest emotions at that given time. Or your trying to wait for the right time so this means the thoughts you hold about how your going to tell him prevents you from telling him.
So what can a person do?
I suppose there is a right way of pronouncing your emotions within certain situations & the first line of assault that springs to mind if you want to know more about your future together. Or your future not together, is to ask him what his intentions are, then you haven't spilt the beans on your own ideas of what you would like from him your relationship & your togetherness, because he will know too much about you, & if his intentions are not what yours are he will either come clean with a little prodding from the enquirer or he will keep on using it to get the great pleasure of sex.
Anybody can go about this prodding as you will know the times right & by doing so quelling your troubling inspirations & curiosity to free your mind to become either more at ease or to kick start your thoughts into even more action. You got to learn to control your emotions & free your mind!
You can enquire in a fun & inquisitive manner, you don't have to over pour your emotions but what you need to do is to get his partake of his intentions from this relationship & it's best to do this when your hanging out with him & having a bubble.
You could say something like 'so what's your plans for the future then bob?' (Or what ever his name is) then give him a playful wink & a smile & maybe nipple wrench him lol. You got to have fun & ease the emotions at times.
He will either come clean & tell you a little of his perceived intentions with his life & this is where you pry into little pieces of detail of how you might be involved in his life.
There's nothing wrong with this for your right to know.
Then you'll know where you stand & where this relationship is headed. Or he'll just buls**t you to get what he likes & what you are willing to put up with & that's just the way it is.
When you were twenty your guy was into you big time & pressured you heavily with the idea of commitment & rightly so, commitment was not for you at that time. Because you knew that's not what you wanted & you chose to stop it.
Along the game of excitement, love & affection to have casual affairs with a sexy person or two especially when you are single, after such a relief from the breakup of your 'other's' commitment for life, is just how one should, as a human being, be acting because it's normal for most! If your a guy or if your a woman!
As we travel through life we become involved with various partners looking for fun because of how they make us feel excited, sexy & special inside & sometimes, without intentionally looking for, or even intentionally looking for, we discover, 'THE ONE' But that's just our primal instinct along the game of love!
Now this ONE you may sometimes think you have found or they you, & you click with him on a energetic as well as physical level therefore you fall madly for him, but someone else comes & claims him before you got chance to speak up. Maybe he was only looking for a mistress?
Sometimes it's quite normal for a guy to create such a false vibe inside the woman if he wants to within a relationship no matter how beautiful she is. He will do this to get sex!
As that guy, yes me, in the situation you described above in the long run I would definitely go for the one most suited to me! & I'd chose to be with the ONE I desired when it came down to the crunch & if I had to make that choice!
But the going was good whilst I was getting it.
He was not for you. No matter what you would have, or not have said to him.
Maybe he was only looking for casual affairs & thought you was one of those partners as he is, & eventually over time he had to make a choice & HE found her more suited so he chose the one he wanted to be with because it's his life & his choice.
You always got to look inside to discover what YOU really want. I would definitely keep away from dating a woman who is already in a relationship unless I was going there just for sex because it would just tell me she's in it for the fun too so that's how I would treat it & my relationship with her.
Very good article stricktlydating & quite a unique relationship subject, thanks for sharing. Dale
Hi acaetnna, thankyou for your comment and thoughts on this topic. You're right about questioning whether I could trust him, but I never had the opportunity to see. And it did end up awful feeling hidden from the world with him!
Wow Dale! A great insight from the male point of view, thanks!
I think it's always best to find out where you stand.
However what keeps most people from saying they want to change the dynamics of their relationship from "friends with benefits" or "booty call" is they don't want to risk losing what they have in case he decides to bail.
The other woman just happen to be someone he may have been feeling the same way about. No one changes their life simply because another person feels a certain way about them. It was reciprocal.
You have to give her credit non-the-less for being proactive. Even in this modern era with how far women have come with equality issues they are still "waiting" for a man to notice, approach, pursue, and propose to them. It takes courage to go after what you want.
Very interesting comments dashingscorpio! Thanks!
I was going to suggest getting him drunk before telling him, but your technique is much more ethical and will ensure long term success. Honesty - who would have thought it would give us the best outcomes?
Thanks for your comment Bronson_Hub, getting him drunk may have been an alright idea, but (Unlike me) he never got drunk!
Maybe he's out there thinking of you - his great lost love!
Thanks, Groganfrancis!
I've been told repeatedly that if a guy is interested, he will let you know that that if you have to ask, or you have to question it, the answer will not be the one you are hoping for.
I would tend to agree with you KateWest! But not everyone is so straight forward, I think sometimes there are some mixed feelings, so in those situations if you're not sure, you're best to ask. Thankyou so much for your comment!
What a shame, but like they say, " It ain't over till the last lady sings." There are plenty enough beautiful fish in the sea. You will find the right one, and you probably will know right off the bat that you can say how you feel without any problems. I like what one of your other commenters pointed out. Aim high and for the best because your worth it. God Bless. Great hub.
Thankyou for your lovely comment stars439!
I agree with dales comment. it seems very true and I completely believe that if he wanted you, he would have wanted to be with you. this girl was obviously the one for him.
don't waste your time thinking about what could have been, you will find someone else who is worthy of you and give you the respect and love you deserve :)
Thanks for sharing your opinion on this subject PluralGem, it's much appreciated!
Maybe that guy wants a situation just like yours, lovers but not attached in a formal relationship. I believe that its better to be friends with benefits that to a relationship without benefits.
That's a really interesting point Naturalsolutions, thankyou for taking the time to comment :)
Thanks for this post...I'm also seeing a guy since July and am starting to fall for him. I don't think he is sleeping around with other women as we text each other everyday. It's nerve-racking as we both haven't said anything to each other about where it's heading. My gut feeling is that he must feel the same as he has asked me spend a weekend with him at his parent's in Europe. However I do come across as an ice maiden as I do not want to get hurt.
I plan to tell him this weekend! Argh, I'm so nervous!
Hi Peanut, If he's inviting you for a weekend away with his parents I don't think you have anything at all to be worried about! Good luck with telling him this weekend and have a great trip!
Oops..not with his parents. Just me and him...
Hi Peanut, I think go with your gut feeling, it does seem like he's feeling the same way as you as he's planned this trip away. I hope you find the words to tell him how you feel. It sounds like the perfect opportunity. I hope you have a romantic trip :)
Ok so I spoke to him and he doesn't want the same! He said he likes me I know, although he thinks we get on like brother and sister, more than boyfriend and girlfriend..and that we fight like brother and sister.
I don't even know what that means...and didn't question it and told him that I appreciated his honesty.
A friend ask me something the same as your situation. I read it one more time and I give a great advice to my friend. Thank you for this hub, you really inspire and help a lot of people.
Hi Peanut, Nice to hear from you again. Well, if he really does feel like you are 'brother and sister' in your relationship, I guess that means he wants to keep the relationship platonic. Going on what you've said I have the feeling that's not the case. Even so, it's good that he knows how you feel and hopefully he doesn't play with those feelings by wanting a sort of part-time romantic relationship with you. Even with his initial reaction, at least now he will be able to think about what you said and possibly rethink the way he sees you. Stay true to the way you feel and don't compromise if you feel you're getting into a confusing sort of relationship with him. I admire your courage too :)
Hi Natural Solutions, that's great, it's lovely to have your feedback!
Hi Stricktly,
Sorry for bombarding you with updates...I have deleted his number and haven't heard from him. I don't expect to either to be honest.
I was feeling a bit low but am over it (makes me wonder, I problably didn't like him as much as I thought I did) especially with work keeping me really busy!
Thanks for your insight! Will join up soon!
Hi Peanut, It's nice to hear from you again, sorry you were feeling a bit low, but glad you're feeling better now. It's disappointing that his reaction wasn't more positive! There is a chance he'll come around and contact you within the next few weeks, but at the moment I think you're doing the best thing you can do for yourself by deleting the number and keeping busy with work. You sound like a women with a great attitude and it's too bad he's missing out at the moment!
Right, so i didn't expect him to contact me..this morning (a week later), he gets in touch asking to meet up. I turned him down and suggested for him to meet his sister..he saw the funny side but still asked to meet up. I was clear and direct and told him he needs to find a new friend.
Hi Peanut, great to have an update from you! Wow!
I am into the same situation. Upon reading this, I was crying. I could feel the pain. :( Do I have to stay away from him?
Hi, can I firstly just say, great hub, really honest and insightful, but even though the answer is staring from the right there from the laptop screen why do I not get it.
I mean I do get it but I cant seem to live it.
My major problem is that I start the pursuit of a relationship with sex, I tell myself I dont want anything serious, I just want something casual, but I think I really do it just as a means to get that affection and comfort I crave.
I always think ( hope ) that the person will develop feelings for me, I've been in this situation a few times, but It never works out in my favour... Either it fizzles out, or I tell them I want more and they get scared and back off.
But its my fault right? Because they told me from the start they didnt want anything serious and I agreed with them.
I'm really upset now. What is wrong with me why do all men only want me for sex.
Recently had been seeing a guy, then one drunken night I admitted I was getting attached and he said he couldnt have anything serious, so the next day I text him apologising and saying I didn't mean to be intense and i'm ok with continuing to see him casually if he still wants to.
This is sounding desperate, How is it looking to you guys I would really appreciate feedback.
:( x
Hi Physican-jobs02,
Thankyou for your comment. No, you don't have to stay away from him but I guess the point is to find a way to tell him how you feel and then give him time to think about what you've said.
Hi Lola,
It doesn't sound like you're desperate at all. You're out there dating and good for you! When you meet the right person, it often will just come together easily, but if it's not that way, you need to tell them your feelings if you want a chance to take the relationship further. I think it's great that you told the guy you're seeing that you're into him, but then you've back tracked when he said he didn't want anything serious, that was your opportunity to stand firm with yourself about your feelings and give him time and space to absorb what you'd said, not apoligise to him for telling him how you feel, that's the part which will stop you from moving forward in relationships. Just saying from my own experience because I was just like you in the past, thinking I had to apologise for sharing my feelings. Think about it and it doesn't make sense. Best wishes ;)
Great Hub! I just ran across it googling random relationship stories.
Ive had virtually no luck in aquiring a girlfriend. I try to go out and be active but Im not a guy who's going to go clubbing every week. Im just hoping Ill find the perfect woman at a concert, park, mutual friend what have you... But no luck.
Im now at the point where Im staring 30 in the face. Scary stuff I know. :)
So Ive had 1 somewhat longterm relationship. It started casual, I developed feelings, after a year or so it fell apart. That was 5 years ago and have had nothing more than the occasional date every 4 months or so that goes no where.
Until... October.
I get a random invite from a buddy to an event and I meet a seemingly amazing woman. We start seeing each other and after about the second or third date, she informs me that she wants to keep things casual. She just recently got out of a long term thing and wants to date and play the field. Though, she also wants to continue to see me and sex is all fine and dandy but doesnt want anything serious. I said yea, yea, yea, Im cool with whatever. Foolishly hoping that my boyish good looks and charm could win her over.
But now here I am. It's been 2 months, Im starting to develop feelings because we've been hanging out every weekend and Ive pretty much put myself in a friends with benefits situation I feel. Which is the last thing I want.
It just makes me question everything. Why would life put this amazing person in my life, give me some amazing perks(amazing time together), and then say "no soup for you". Soup I guess being a real relationship in this case.
She knows how I feel. Ive told her since that I think she's the best thing since sliced bread. Of course I got the old "im not ready yet, lets see what happens".
Yet Im faced with continuing to see her, most likely fall for her within the next 6 months and get totally crushed. Or the other stellar option of tell her now that I cant do the friends with benefits thing anymore because of my feelings and lose the best female companionship Ive had in 5 years....
Hi WhatsItAllMean, Thanks for sharing your current situation, I know exactly where your coming from. It's great that you've been able to tell her how you feel, and you seem like quite a catch! The thing is if you don't take a stand on what you want with her - Tell her that you can't do the friends with benefits thing any more, and why, and then back off then you are most likely going to be going around in circles with her, and end up hurt in the end as she goes off on other dates etc. Remember someone else she gets involved with could take this stand before you do, and you don't want that to happen. It would involve making it clear about what you want and how you feel and then leaving the relationship, with the hope she will come around on her own accord. I wish you good luck!
Hey stricklydating, I appreciate your insightful comments! It's easy to say take a stand and express how you feel but it's hard when it's someone you really care about. I too feel like I am going in circles this person but I also care too much to let it go, essentially.
I was in a relationship after being upset my previous affair was going nowhere when he went with someone else.
My marriage was dead. He was married at the time then she died. I supported him and he said he loved me but before I could think straight he would not wait and someone else came on to him when her husband dumped her and she grabbed him telling him she loved him. So he did not tell me and two timed me. When I fell in love with him he said he had changed his mind. He lied to me and went on hols with her and only told me when she found out he was texting me and she forced him to give me up so he had to confess. I was devastated and sick. I thought we had something special.
4 months later she dumps him and he is devastated so he tries to get back with me only I am too wary and guess he will just get back and anyway could not trust him ever.
I was just going to see how it went and he just does get back with her. But she does not want a commitment now as she is dating on line and says just see how it goes so he wants to be friends with benefits only keep having it off with her which I can't take so I am refusing and saying no contact as I don't want to be second best it is is too painful as is contact. I need to get over it but it is so hard and feel empty and wished I had spoken earlier when he first said he had feelings but then I was not sure.
Hi Tiswos, It's quite a journey that relationship has taken you on. Thanks for sharing your story and I was so happy to read at the end that you are standing your ground because you don't want to be second best. Have you told him this is the reason for the no contact? I hope you were able to express those thoughts to him. I know you wish you'd spoken up earlier about your feelings, but it seems you were in a complicated situation at the time. Hoping wonderful things come your way.
I have a friend that I'm so in love with, he's a single father and has been raising his 2 kids since they were little. Very hard working man he's 34 and is currently leaving with me for the past 2 months even thou he has his own apartment his license is suspended for 5 month. Since he can't be driving I drive him to and from work take his 2 kids to and from school take him lunch everyday. Pick up and drop off his youngest child every other day. He has custody of his 2 oldest a girl n a boy 11 yrs n 10 yrs old n has joint custody of his youngest she's 2. I do so much for this guy that everybody thinks were together. When people ask him or say your girlfriend his reply is "she's not my girlfriend. She's my friend" i have 4 kids 12, 11, 6, and 4 so i got 6 kids with his here at my house that i keep up with. Including him. I wash, clean, cook, get the kids ready every day, drive, i buy my kids n his kids clothe constantly, I buy him clothe I iron and everything were a family and I love it but I'm scared to let him know how I feel. He has never had anybody do everything I do for him or his children. we both sleep on the same bed we have sex we call each other babe when were alone. He tells his family and kids were just friends. I want a relationship this is what I want the man kids house cars and all. Sometimes I feel that I'm being used. I scared to really tell him how I feel because I really love him and don't want to loose him if I tell him my true feelings. We don't cuddle cause he tells me "don't start getting all these feelings" we don't kiss or do anything while his kids, his family, my family r around. I don't know what to do?
Hi Nessaj,
Your instincts are right. He is using you ;(
He gets his own personal driver, cook and washing lady, and added bonus of sharing a bed too.
In return he denies anything between you other then friendship and refuses to even cuddle!
So tell me, what is it that he HAS got going for him?
Personally, I could not stand being a 'slave' to a man and with one that refuses affection and denies our relationship. You are definately in a relationship with him, and it is disfunctional, because of him.
He's not appreciative. Especially not of your needs.
What you need to do is tell him how you've "Started to feel" (About how confusing it is to share a bed with him when you're alone but not cuddle and how he calls you a friend when you feel you do more that what a girlfriend would do for him). After you've told him how you feel, tell him WHAT YOU NEED in order to continue to feel good in his company. Just be straight forward and calm, and stick to your guns. You may lose him if he will not get his act together and show you some dignity and respect, but you can't go on the way you are - being used ;(
Hope this helps! You deserve to be treated so much better.
Hi Nessaj
Have you done something about it and taken the advice given? Just saying because I can imagine you are maybe in a horrid place because of kids u may be fond of too.
Years ago when I was very some jerk tried to get me to do this and I told him where to get off smarly and thought what a cheek he had. But I know as you get older that somehow that confidence seems to not last and lack of self worth and confidence stops you. But you need to tell yourself you are worth more than that. You are not some one to be used and abused. You are a kind, caring person worthy of all that is going. If you have let yourself go I urge you to get yourself into shape so that you can get to a place where you can appreciate yourself enough to feel that there is something more out there. Plan your escape. Make yourself very lovely on the outside so you are as good there and on the inside. Get that confidence to show that jerk that someone else will like you. Then you will see there is an alternative. You are not responsible for those kids. They are not your responsibility. Leave him and he will have to pick up the bits or at least charge him for your services and get someone else. Show him that you are not his property. Show him what he has lost. He needs to see the result of his behaviour not to encourage his bad behaviour by condoning it. Let some other idiot do his bidding for nothing and not you. Listen to advice. You need to heal. You need to pamper yourself. Go get some attention and love yourself. You are worthy. You are not a dogsbody. You need to love yourself. Buy yourself some nice things - all the things he is not buying you.
Then someone else will hit on you when you look your best. Hopefully someone who will appreciate you if you value yourself and not let yourself be used again unless you are treated properly.
Get your self respect back. Go and find some friends that will listen to you and go to a women's group where others are in the same boat so you can support each other. You don't need this jerk.
You know reading all this stuff it occurs to me that if a guy really loves someone he will treat her right whatever the situation because it is actions not words that count. When women are not treated right it means he is just not that into you. What ever you said would not have changed that. If you are not what he is after. He will do whatever it is that you want because he wants you so much. Hopefully you will see it in time before he gets fed up and goes elsewhere and gets second best as he gives up. But sometimes it takes that losing something to make you think that what you had is what you wanted when it is not there. A lot of it is timing. If you are not in a place where you are open. Then there is the do you need to have it all or is some of it good enough. For instance you might have the chemistry and not the companionship or visa versa. And you want it all. But can't have it all. Or you have the emotional chemistry but not the physical chemistry. In France they have one woman for family, another for sex and one for intellectual. Ideally you want all three. But these relationships seem to go through the stages. Sometimes the honeymoon stage never happens, sometimes the relationship goes back to front.
We are both married to partners who rejected us. But both oaps with family and not sure that after 40 years of marriage we can up sticks. Also we have both got others and lack of trust means that hampers it. But after a long time we feel soulmates. But we would like more but it is not easy. When you are older you get set in your ways. It is not possible to take a leap in the dark. Yes if our respective partners dumped us. It is hard to risk losing your home, money and family. I guess we are not that into each other enough. But we do think a lot. At one time I was in love with him but it went away and changed when I found out he was two timing. Now I am not in love with him but getting over someone else. I value the attention I get. But it feels hollow. But it helps me to feel valued in one sense and in another it does not.
That's some great advice Justsayingit, thanks for commenting here.
I have just found this site after doing a search and so glad I did because I could really do with some advice please!
I am struggling with the word "casual" as it is something I have never done before and it was not my intention to go down this path.
In September last year I met a guy from off a dating site. I stated on my profile that I was ready and wanting a relationship as I have been single for nearly 3 years now. It didn’t dawn on me at the time but he didn’t state on his Profile what he was actually seeking.
Anyhow, after a few weeks of chatting we decided to meet up and I have been seeing him once a week or every couple of weeks ever since. I noticed I was starting to become fond of his company and thinking of him a lot around early December and felt the need to tell him. When I did tell him, he said that it was fine and he was comfortable with it, but that he wasn’t looking for a relationship and that he just wanted casual - he also said lets just have fun and let it take its own path. He also said that he wanted us to be exclusive sexually which I was happy with as I am not one to sleep around. He on the other hand has made it quite clear he has been a naughty boy sexually over the years and has only ever had one long term relationship many years ago which makes me think he struggles with commitment.
Like I said, I am struggling with the casual status and not sure whether its because I don’t feel in control or whether its because I feel I am just there to give him great sex? He has said that he doesn’t see me as a sex object, however, during a certain time of the month when we cant have sex he will cancel our date. I do think deep down he likes me as I have actually ended it 5 times because I can’t deal with the word casual and need to hear the words relationship. Its rather strange I guess, because I wouldn’t want to see him anymore than I am already due to the fact I like my own space and my nights out with the girls. However, each time I have ended it he always acts so cool about it and says no worries take care etc and I don’t hear from him again. But then I start to miss him after a few days and end up texting and we start meeting up again .... yes it is always for a dinner date followed by sex. We do stay overnight some weekends at each others house and we spent Christmas eve and also Christmas morning together and he bought me a gift. I was really surprised by the gift, since I didn’t think you would do that if it was just casual. I actually feel like a silly young girl, totally out of control with my emotions and I am starting to appear rather needy, which is very unattractive for someone in their 40s!
The latest thing that has hurt me a lot, is that he confessed last night to having had a one night stand last week whilst we weren’t in touch (due to me ending it once again). I suppose he was a free agent to do as he pleased, but it has really upset me although I havent made out to him it has.
I know I may sound high maintenance to those of you who read this, but believe me I am not… I am just struggling and I guess I need to either accept the word "casual" and see where it leads, or get out!
Your advice would be greatly appreciated and hope that you aren’t too hard on me for my silly behaviour. Thank you!
Hi Niaqui, sorry, due to adult wording in your message unfortunately it could not be published on this page. I have received it though. It seems like you're in a difficult situation, even though your boy friend's love is not in the same country, it seems that at this point his heart is with him. Do you know if they have any long term plans to live together in the future or will they stay this way? If you're seeing him 4 times a week you should feel comfortable enough to ask about where you stand with him. I hope you find a way to do that, so that you can keep the lines of communication open about it.
Niaqui, Your initial message couldn't be published because of sexual wording in it (A voilation of HubPages terms of service), not because of your sexual preference, and your most recent message was personally offensive.
Hi stricklydating,
Like most girls..I meet this guy and we were really interested in one another at first. What happened was..i gave in too fast and i ended up as his booty call (about 4 months now) and..i really do like him and i want something more. I admit that its my fault, because i trained him to act this way, and i was always available for him every time he calls. The talk? Yup, i told him once that i wanted more and he told me he is not the one that can give me more..and that he is satisfied with what he has. He said that he likes me..and enjoys being with me..but he is not looking for something more.
Of course i was heartbroken and we cut contact. and a month later somehow he came back to me..and the routine restarts. I know that this is not going anywhere if no actions are taken..Now, should i talk to him again?? Or should i take actions to break the booty call routine? Some friends suggested me to just stop giving him sex and see what it happens.
My question to you is, if i back off from all this, make myself less/not available, will it change anything?
I read somewhere that If you back away (but don’t disappear entirely) you become scarce. Scarcity makes you more desirable and alters the power dynamic – and increases attraction. If you’re chasing him, you don’t give him space to come towards you.
I don'T know if its worth trying at all..or should i just leave.
thank you
Hi Penelope,
Thanks for your message, I totally understand where you're coming from! These kind of relationships can go on and off like this for a long time and it can take a while to get over the hurt it causes in the end if it is let go on like this. But that doesn't mean you should walk away from it without doing anything. See, he came back after you had the talk and stopped contact - But you've let him come back to the same deal, rather than changing the rules. You're the other half of the relationship and are not powerless, if you want to change things with him you'll need to insist on it and encourage it, otherwise he will continue to see you as convenient for a booty call and a bit of fun. It's not too late to do something about this. Have an awesome night with him if you like and then the next time he calls tell him you can't do what you've been doing any more because it's not the kind of relationship you want to be having with him, tell him that you feel like you made a mistake by giving in too fast (Like you said) - Just really be honest about it, even though you may have said the same before. Don't expect him to answer all your questions during this conversation, you're just meaning to tell him how you feel and what you want and DON'T WANT in a calm and honest way without any expectations from him... This is because after the conversation has ended he will have time to process everything you said, and he needs some thinking time and space to do this on his own without ANY contact from you. Especially don't send SMS messages or apoligise for saying how you feel. Feel empowered that you're saying you like him a lot and you don't want to be in a booty call type relationship with him, or anyone else. Once he has space to think about this without you he will then decide if he wants to come back (Like he's already done once before). I feel if you follow this process he probably will come back again and try to treat you better. BUT the problem is if he's really satisified with the booty call arrangement like you said, there is a chance that even when he tries to treat you better he's not really able to consistantly treat you the way you deserve. He may try to sweet talk you into a booty call rather than plan a dinner date and dancing with you and you may get offended. He could go either way, but you won't know until you really give him the nudge that he needs to step it up with you if he wants to continue to have your company! Goodluck!
Can you help me with my situation?
I have been facebook friends with this guy for about 3 years (He just turned 24, and I just turned 22). In October, we started talking on facebook chat again because I had problems with these two guys that I liked. I found out later that he was having relationship problems with his girlfriend as well. We met up a week since talking on facebook, and his girlfriend dumped him over text. We then set up 2 more dates for him to help me bake for a school event and another time to help me shop. The time after shopping we had coffee at my school cafe and then we went to my dorm, and one thing led to another and I lost my virginity to him. Since then we've been skyping everyday for two months and everything was great. At the end of December, I brought up the subject of me feeling used and I had an emotional break down, which caused him to think that a relationship is not what he wanted since his gf dumped him.
We took about a month break because he said he needed space. We got back together at the end of January and after two weeks of having sex (once a week), I texted him that it seemed like we were just friends and that I didn't want to be in a FWB relationship. He texted me back saying he thought I was more relaxed and would let things fall into place naturally. I approached him on skype a few days later and said the same things. He dumped me when i stressed him out too much, which caused me to ask him to give me one more chance and that I'm not usually a stressful person. He eventually did give me another chance. So we're back together. He then told me that his relationships usually start out purely physical and then it leads to something more because the girl usually wants something more.
Yesterday, I texted him asking him why we never cuddle and if we could cuddle more, to which he replied and said that "the feeling has to be back for cuddle". I think he means that his feelings for me were gone after i stressed him out so many times about him being a bad bf, etc.
Can you analyze my situation and tell me if you think it could work out? and if it's possible for "the feeling" (i'm guessing the spark/chemistry) to be revived?
Thanks
Hi Confused,
It would probably be easy to 'revive' the chemistry with him, just lay off skype for a few days, and don't do it every day, because it sort of makes your relationship voyeristic and mostly online. Sometimes just talk on the phone so that no matter what you talk about, he's not checking out what you're wearing etc like he can on skype (More focus on proper conversation, it gives him time to miss seeing you, with Skyping every day it's like having an internet relationship, and you want a real world relationship not that)... I really feel for you because of the text he sent you which implies nothing about you - it just seems to say he does not want to cuddle you because he's not feeling like that with you ): So I would not get intimate with him until he's feeling cuddly feely with you, otherwise you're just setting yourself up for disapointment. He will let you know if he decides to step up and treat you better in order to continue to spend time with him if you stand your ground on how you want to be treated without being dramatic about it. Just be confident about saying what feels right for you and leave it because it gives him time to think about what you say. It seems like he's not putting in an effort to romance you, he is treating you like FWB and you don't have to let it be that way, nor do you have to stress him over it, just be casual in stating what you are not comfortable with and leave it at that, but you could still ask him to do other activities with you so you still have his company and your relationship can develop (If it's going to) on a different level. for example you might feel comfortable about doing a sport together or taking a day tour, somthing like that where you can be carefree and have fun, and learn to communicate with eachother better, before having him back in your dorm again. Taking a step back for a little while to change the relationship dynamics is probably your best bet with him. Hope this helps!
We haven't skyped since we got back after our "break".
I'm not sure how to make him put effort into romancing me. Am I supposed to just be upfront about it?
Hi Confused,
The best you can do to encourage him to be more romantic is to be honest about what you do and don't want, but then just leave it, don't push the issue further and give him time to think about what you said. If he wants to continue to spend more time with you he'll know he'll have to step up to the mark with you. If you never tell him about your standards then he may just feel happy to continue what you've been doing, whereas you will not be. Romance may come with time, getting to know eachother better doing fun activities together out of your dorm, that's why I suggested if you could organise to spend some time with him on a day trip or doing a sport together. You could also plan a picnic, day to the beach or mountains etc, make your time spent with him outdoor daytime activities as it keeps things real and will give you memories to share which you may be able to build your new relationship with. Keep open about your feelings. You could better do this by trying to resist sending him an sms asking why he didn't cuddle you etc but by telling him how it made you feel when you see him next or are speaking on the phone. For example during a conversation with him you might say something along the lines of "I really had a great day with your company last night, I just felt a bit awkward before you left because I like to have a cuddle before you go". Stating things this way rather than a text asking him why he didn't cuddle will work in your favour, as he's not being accused of anything, but he's being told what you like. The point is to give some hints and encouragement! Hope this helps and is worth a try! Best wishes!
It's really nice being able to read this and feel like you're not alone.
I've been in a casual relationship with a guy who lives near me for about 2 months now.
We actually met whilst drunk, and he ended up coming back to mine, but since then we've been meeting up quite frequently.
We meet up about 2 or 3 times a week, and usually hang out in the evenings/at night, and I get along with him so well. Our personalities are so similar, and I can stay with him for hours doing absolute rubbish and still have a lovely time.
By the end of the first month of meeting, I sort of mentioned the topic of ''what are we'' and he made it clear that it was just a casual thing at the moment, but then said ''we'll just see how it goes'' - but i think that was just to comfort me.
About 2 months have passed, and I'm getting really, really strong feelings for him but I am absolutely terrified of sharing my feelings with him in case it scares him off, as I can't bare the thought of losing him, even if it means just carrying on the casual relationship with him.
I'm hearing you 'scared' but why not just tell him you're afraid of losing him by saying it but you're enjoying his company so much that you've realise you've developed feelings for him? If you don't ask for what you want you might not get it. Goodluck!
hi i was seeing a guy 6 yrs ago and we broke up after a short time as i belived he only wanted me for one thing now a weeek ago we meet up again and we spent nite together last nite now im missing him im not sure if it be same thing alll over again or more then that
Hi Paula,
I think you knew what he was all about the first time around, oops! This time it looks like he's done it again. Afterall it's been a week now. It's a shame he's like that with you. You could be very clear about what you're looking for at this point in your life if you do hear from him, but if not, I'd say he'll be left in the same category he was in 6 years ago with you.
I'LL TRY BUT I AM AFRAID OF HIS REACTION .
WHAT HE MIGHT MAKE ?
WHAT HE WILL TELL ME ?
I AM AFRAID
MAYBE HE WIL HURT MY FEELINGS BY HIS WORDS
AND IF HE AGREED THERE MIGHT BE PROBLEMS IN OUR RELATIONSHIP
I CAN'T TELL HIM THAT I LOVE HIM FACE TO FACE
Hi So Lost, Thankyou for your message and sharing your story and circumstances. I've published a lengthy response to your question and I hope it helps you. Due to the size of your message and my response it has it's own page. You can view it here: http://stricktlydating.hubpages.com/hub/Relationsh
I loved this piece i relate to it in every way, I'm in the exact same position It's been nearly a year and it is very casual and i do honestly believe i am falling in love but the thing is me and him have had this chat he said that he likes me but enjoys how things are. personally its reached the point im starting to resent him because i feel like were boyfriend and girlfriend but he has never taken me on a date or been there for birthdays, christmas etc. hes only really here at night. I do love him but i feel like hes taking my kindness for weakness. :'(
Btw you seem very strong keep it up x
Hi Watermelon,
I'm hearing you and certainly know how you feel. And the resentment you're starting to feel is because you're realising he's not treating you the way you want to be treated. You might eventually get to the point where you really see something else for yourself and so you'll end it. Though, you could be in with a chance if you tell him he may be enjoying things the way they are, but unfortunately you're not. You have a "Non-boyfriend" and can only break from this rut with him if you insist on making changes and begin telling him about your current feelings regarding resentment (Including him not being around on special occassions). Sounds like you love him so hopefully he'll step up to the mark!
That actually means so much to me I have a sexual relationship with a guy ive known for seven years now. . .We are highly passionate and he can be very romantic (candles, sniggling etc) I am scared of the whole rejection thing, I suppose if I give it a shot what is there to lose? I will find out where I stand.
*snuggling
After knowing someone 7 years Adriana you'd be totally crazy not to give it a shot!
Hi hu insult is something not all people like it, if i may opportune to me her and she gave me insult, and my life i hate insult. I think i can only addres her true phone or letter, to fill how i realy care for her love.
ssaul 17 months ago
you will know there's no difficulty in not knowing, if you find yourself not asking for a commitment and just want sex with no hard feelings well there you go! if you are not bothered by the person where about or who they have sex with and you want to have sex with other people well you are a casual person